The Boy with the Handgun Tattoo

From 0:00

0:15Hello and welcome back to the Daft Monks podcast. Nate, what is on the agenda today?

0:21A little bit of housekeeping, Nate, and a little bit about a recent film, a little something called Deadpool 3.

0:26Ooh, how was it? Oh man, Nate. Ooh, because I wasn't gonna go to the theaters to watch it until I saw that Channing Tate Yum is Gambit, and Gambit is one of my absolute favorites. So I've seen the clips from it, and I'm like, I've gotta [expletive] go. So this Saturday I'm gonna go watch it.

0:45That was actually Nate, I'm not kidding. My favorite part of the movie is the Gambit stuff.

0:50Yeah.

0:51Do you know like the joke with him and stuff, or one of the recurring jokes?

0:54I know that like when they still had the X-Men franchise, they were supposed to do a Gambit movie, and Channing Tatum was a front runner for Gambit, and it just didn't pan out. And I guess he's just the worst with accents, but honestly, I've heard some Creole, and he sounds pretty [expletive] close, man. I get it, it's coming from Channing Tatum, so it looks funny. Yeah. But if you don't look at his face while he's doing it, it sounds pretty close.

1:20Yeah, I I won't spoil Renade. It's um it's funny, it's definitely a little bit of a slow build, but the laughs keep you going, so that's that's fine.

1:29–3:39[Editorial omission.]

3:39Uh well, on that note, Nate, people just keep saying get to the campaign, get to the campaign. So we're gonna do that. But first, I just want to do some housekeeping because in between our like eight-month breaks of podcasting technology changes, shockingly. So lots of cool new features, Nate. So one is that in our every episode description, there's a really cool link now right at the top that says send us a text message. Anybody can do it. You click that, it opens up your text, it will have some of the text before that, and just continue typing your text, but leave the part it pre-populated for you. And you and I, Nate, will get a text and people send that.

4:12That's exciting.

4:13You know, for a while we used to say leave a comment, but there was actually no way in podcasting to do that. We were basically saying go on social media, leave us a comment. But that's not the case anymore. You can literally send us a message. And honestly, I would laugh hilariously if someone was like, This show [expletive] sucks. I don't care what you guys say. I just I think Nate and I need to know someone's listening, even if you're hate listening, right? Just hit that. If you ever think we're like, dude, that was funny, or just want to say anything to either of the Nates, uh, hit that link and send a text and it goes right to Nate and I.

4:13Second, I did want to add that in Spotify, it now literally has commenting. So in the past episodes we were like, oh, we could add polls, and it was super [expletive] tedious. And I had to go and add a poll. I had to say for how long the poll was available, it was stupid. I had to add options, nobody used it. Now there's just literally commenting like it's a Facebook thing. So now literally you can go to an episode and just publicly. I think I may have to approve them in Spotify or something. It's very new, but you could just leave a comment on an episode for anybody to see.

From 5:00

5:11Whatever you say, it's gonna get approved.

5:12Oh yeah. I promise yes, I swear, as long as like it doesn't violate Spotify's whatever, which it probably wouldn't let me publish it anyway, but as long as like Spotify doesn't care, I don't care. Once again, you can say, Well, this show really sucks, and I'll publish it, I swear.

5:25Say the the creepy clown guy is way funnier than what's that guy's name?

5:30Can we say it?

5:31Oh yeah, uh, what is that? I just I texted to you and I told you it. I can't [expletive] for the life of me remember it right now.

5:38We digress, we digress. So you can leave comments in Spotify, that's awesome. You can send whether regardless of what podcast app you're using, you can click the link to send us a text. And then lastly, this is a pretty minor, but um if you're listening from Apple Podcasts, they recently just got a very basic feature that Spotify's had forever, which is now the timestamp within the description that jumps to the episode. They had chapters, so you had to like open the chapters to skip to the campaign, but now you can just click the timestamp in the episode description, so that's a little bit easier. I personally don't really navigate through chapters. Uh no, I just listen to it. Yeah, deal with it.

5:38Well, I know I I imagine most people like don't actually want to hear the beginning part of our episode, but [expletive] them. Yeah, you're getting it. Deal with it. And with that, Nate, um, I'm very excited about today's episode. So you just want to dive in? Let's just jump into it.

6:30Hey, venom in the machine. Let's connect a screen. Yeah, we're trapped in the regime. We don't recognize the world, it's reality, it's a dream. They've been watching from the citadel, but we can never leave monks in another paradigm. Stop the metric state of mind, another state of mind. Rockin' with a bath monks. Let's take a deep dive. Yeah, we the deaf monks. Living as an avatar, living as an avatar, killing up my battle scars, killing up my battle scars. Corruption left the planet dark. It left the planet. So we plugged in like we had to charge.

7:11Last time on Daft Monks, the two guys came and found my lair, and it was like really cool to actually have company over, you know, even though my grandpa was all involved, and I was like, get out of here, you old man.

7:24And it was fine. So then we went ahead and they wanted to use my hacking prowess to check on some cameras, and it just so happened that I already had the tab up. It was very convenient. It's almost like I'm a mind reader, you know? And then we found out that the one guy, Ash, his uh girlfriend, yeah, his girlfriend, was stolen, right? By a robot guy who was eating cake, even though he didn't need to eat cake, and then it fell all over the floor. Like, who's gonna clean that up?

7:51Because you're stealing the lady from her apartment, you know? And then you close the door behind and you just left cake on the floor. There's gonna be ants if she ever gets back there.

7:58And there's also a big Russian broad there, but that's besides the point. That's kind of all that really happened on the last episode, as far as I'm concerned. This is Inferno.

8:08So episode starts. They're still at Inferno's Lair. Ash, Roy, and Ryan. Inferno! Inferno have been devising a plan to get them installed into the Paradigm games. Right. Okay, I just want to make sure I have everything like committed for this plan to memory, because I'm just a little nervous. You know, these Gunko guys are a little bit out there.

8:32Yeah, I I follow you, Roy. Go ahead.

8:34Okay, so Proxy, who is a really stand-up gal, is in danger, but Inferno has yet to pinpoint possible locations. So in the meantime, I guess we have no choice but to go to Gunko, take this USB, which is still a thing, apparently. It's USB 17.

8:50It's a star shape, it's really weird.

8:52Yeah, and we have to install this onto the computer, and this will add us into the Gunko directory, and it will look like we're authentic employees with paradigm games without signaling any kind of alarms or anything.

9:04That sounds pretty accurate. That's the plan that Inferno came up with. I was questioning Gunco at first, but he said he knows people there, and it is the slackest as far as security goes of the corporations that are entered into Paradigm Games. So uh, why the [expletive] not?

9:23The only thing I'm concerned about is like these guys are literally gun manufacturers. I feel like in terms of a place to infiltrate, this might be the most physically dangerous place to visit.

9:35Right. But if you believe what they believe, you're only safe if everybody has a gun. I think that's actually their motto. It's it says it right here.

9:44Speaking of everybody having a gun, apparently the day we selected is bring your kindergartner to work day. So we're gonna have to pick up the kid, which makes me even more nervous. I can't believe we're gonna bring a child into this facility, but so is everybody, so it's the only way we're gonna blend it.

From 10:00

10:00Well, we needed to check on him anyways, so it's probably the safest bet. Who knows what he's doing to Jair or my apartment?

10:08And hey guys, don't forget you can take that uh extra equipment that I set aside for you.

10:13No, we don't want your anime sleeping pillow.

10:16Yeah, I think he's talking about that the two things over there on the table. There's a cool looking hammer that I've already called dibs on, and then you have like a, I don't know, a paper towel roll, cardboard thing.

10:28Inferno, are these things really gonna be helpful? Can you just go over it one more time?

10:31Alright, I'm telling you, the hammer. Ash already knows what to do with it. It's a gravity hammer, but I've made a few alterations to it. Actually, Pop Pop did, because he's more of a mechanic style guy.

10:45Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome!

10:47Not now, Pop Pop. Now, just play with the hammer a little bit, you'll get used to it. It's a weapon, alright? As far as you, Roy, that is a special device that I came up with myself that has some secret features, but it's mostly just a blow dart gun that you use for like infiltrating and getting information out of people.

11:05So I just want to clarify, Ash gets a super high-tech gravity hammer.

11:10Really badass looking, yeah.

11:11And I have an Amazonian-looking [expletive] toilet paper towel tube with a nerf dart inside of it.

11:18Should I have painted it black?

11:20No, I kind of like the pink.

11:22Okay.

11:27I'll like stick it in my pocket, and it's not very big, so uh guess I can easily carry.

11:33Oh, check this out, Roy. And I like push a button and all of a sudden it like scrunches down into the size of a wallet. My hammer, and I just put it in my pocket. That's pretty sweet, huh?

11:43Yeah, it's cool until you lose it.

11:45Oh, don't worry about that, Ash!

11:47After you put your thumbprint on it, it has geolocation tracking on you. It'll always find you. Kind of like Mule Near.

11:54Thanks, Inferno. Is that built into mine by any chance? Uh, pop pop, did you build that in?

12:01I didn't have time for the sissy boy's pink stick. I'm sorry.

12:06I'm trying to fix the car over here, and nobody's helping me. Three grown men are just hanging around doing nothing while an old man is over here working.

12:16My hands are sore.

12:19Yeah, are you almost done with that?

12:21Uh uh. Okay. He's real nice. Your pep pep.

12:26I think he sucks. He's always hanging around smelling like Ben Gay. It's disgusting.

12:32I can hear you. Okay, well, uh, alright, let's just make our final preparations. Uh what?

12:40One uh little hiccup, fellas. Um, it's bring your kindergartner to work day at Gunco tomorrow. So, like, do you have a kindergartner? Because I don't want you to look weird showing up and not having a kid, but I also don't want you to go steal a kid because that would be also bad, you know.

13:03Roy's actually trying to be like, you know, he doesn't know if you should tell him about the boy. That's like the one piece of information he really hasn't disclosed yet.

13:10Yeah, we're keeping to ourselves.

13:11Nah, we babysit our neighbor's friend all the time or child all the time, so yeah, it's almost like a program thing, Inferno.

13:19Like uh, you know, like bigger brother kind of thing. We both do that together. It's awesome.

13:27Big brothers.

13:30Two brothers.

13:32Let's walk into the shop and describe the current state of your vehicle at the moment.

13:37Um, it is the frame of my truck, but it has definitely been pieced together with parts that they had laying around. Pop pop definitely is handy as a mechanic, so everything looks sturdy and in working order. It just looks like a [expletive] hodgepodge, a mess. There's different colored car parts all over it. The tires look like they're different sizes. Uh, for some reason, there's like some cannons mounted on the side of it, but they're like pirate cannons, they're not like Gatling gun cannons. So I don't know what the deal is with that. My driver's seat has been replaced with a rocking chair, and apparently that was ergonomic. Like there's a little note that says, For your back, you'll thank me later. And there's also a little butterscotch candy in both cup holders.

13:37So that's the current state of my truck.

14:31I also want to say, like, one of the like Frankenstein piece of materials that were was used to like patch up your vehicle, like your hood, is like a state farm advertisement.

14:41It's uh it's a state farm hood from like a NASCAR car. Beautiful, [expletive] beautiful. Like I told him anything but red, man. Red's too gaudy, and now we have [expletive] state farm. I gotta look at it the whole time I'm driving. No, it's fine. It's fine. There's not even a seatbelt in this thing, Roy, because it's a rocking chair, but I'm not gonna complain. It's it's running. I'm not, it's fine.

From 15:00

15:08We love it, pep pep. Thanks, thanks.

15:10Oh, you're welcome, fellas. I'd pinch your cheeks if my hands weren't greasy from working the last 72 hours straight on this vehicle.

15:18That's why we love you, because you never complain.

15:21Alright, now scram, we got some [expletive] to do.

15:27Alright, so uh we get back on the highway and uh we're like, you know, cruising back towards Beacon. Yep, back to the apartment. So, how's it drive?

15:36It's actually not bad. Like, it is really [expletive] smooth. And I'm not gonna lie to you, Roy. This rocking chair that I am sitting in right now feels great on my [expletive] back, bro. It's not bad.

15:50I would have never thought a wooden rocking chair would have been ergonomic in any way, shape, or form, but you're right, you're killing it, man.

15:57You you look like that's some real swagger you got. And street cred.

16:01There's something about this. I want to kind of try and fire off one of these cannons. I got an idea. There's this gang of hot roters. They're not really hot roters, like only two of them own cars, but it's definitely a gang. You might have heard of them. They're called the bougie boys. The bougie boys. Yeah, they're super into high fashion and tech, and it's obnoxious, really, because you can't really understand the main guy, but it's something else, I tell you what. But I've had a run-in with them a couple times, and they're always trying to race me. But now I feel in this bad boy, I think I could take him.

16:38Ash, if there's anything I know, it's that you've earned time to flaunt, to build your ego and your self-esteem, and to just be proud of yourself. So let's go rub it in those bougie boys' face right now.

16:48[expletive] yeah. I just wish that Pop Pop had time to paint it, but it's whatever. So the bougie boys are known to be on the corner of Dolce Drive and Gabbana getaway. Yeah. It's a short road, only a few people live on it. We pull up, uh, it takes us probably another half an hour, maybe out of our way, to get this area. And immediately the town seems like it shifts. It goes from dirty, grungy cyberpunk to all of a sudden the streets are very clean, and all the sidewalks have red carpet rolling down the middle of it, and there's lots of like flashing lights, like from cameras, but there's no cameras anywhere.

16:48It's just like the the bulbs are breaking in all of these lights going around, and everybody is wearing the latest fashions in the city of Beacon. There are uh cybernetic uh hair plug accessories that allow your hair to change color depending on your mood. There is exotic furs that have been synthetically crafted and created. Um, and it's just things like that. Of course, the nail tech nail techs are there, and that [expletive] is just outrageous in this part of town as opposed to the rest of Beacon. Everything is just over the top here on this one [expletive] block of town.

18:12I also want to imagine like we're not really near like downtown, like we're really like more like close to a suburb.

18:18Like Yeah, uh couple streets up, you actually get into the nice parts. Like up if there was a middle class, it would definitely be upper middle class. So, like why this gang hangs out here, I do not know. But here they are.

18:33Ash, oh my god, like this is I feel like I'm in the Hunger Games Capital. This is wild.

18:38Oh yeah, it gets even weirder, dude. Wait till you talk to these people. It's pretty outrageous. And try to like straighten up a little bit. Like, they won't even take you serious if you have like dirt on your nose or crumbs on your shirt. It's they're jerks, dude. They're just high quality jerks, these people.

18:57Well, good news for you. I raided Inferno's girlfriend disguise closet and grabbed a couple things that I thought would be helpful.

19:04Was that in that room we weren't supposed to go in?

19:06Yeah, I totally went in there. Um check this out. And I grab what's that like dumb hat that nerds all the time? Yeah, I grab a fedora and I'm like, eh? And I like stick it on my head.

19:17Huh. Huh. You know what? I think it suits you, Roy. You look amazing with that fedora on.

19:25Just call me a bougie boy.

19:27You got it.

19:28As I say that, you see people like outside of our car, like just start to surround the vehicle.

19:34Like kind of pressing up on it, like chest bumping it. I'm like, ah, here we go, Roy. I hope you're ready for this. And I roll down the window. Uh, it used to be uh a button, but now it's just a manual roll down window, thanks to pop pop. He could have at least sprayed some [expletive] WD40 on this thing, but it's okay. Good afternoon, local bougie boys. All of a sudden, uh there's you notice that there's actually a PA system currently surrounding the block, and very loud music starts blaring. It I guess it could be considered runway music. It's just a steady beat, but that's it. Just oomps, oomps, oomps, oomps. It'd be like the worst techno that you've ever heard. It's like they got it from the free section.

19:34You know, when we're scanning to buy music, like this is free. Like, okay, yeah, that's where they got it, bro.

From 20:00

20:33Ash, I am digging these jams. This is if me if music played on every block, that's gonna be phenomenal.

20:39Oi. What are you two boys doing here? Calm down, Roy. Hey, uh, we're looking for Pierre. Alright, where is he at? Oh, you're that guy, eh? Alright. And then he like turns around in a 180, but his hips kind of like dip up and down as he's walking. And he his feet actually walk in a perfectly straight line as he's walking down this red runway. It's kind of crazy how accurate he is.

21:11I couldn't walk that way if I tried. That's beacons next top model [expletive].

21:15Uh don't get too hyped up about it, Roy. I think they actually have like implants that they put in to help him walk like that. I think they can't walk any other way after doing the surgery.

21:25I wanna say, uh that guy like walks up to like a dumpster and like laying on top of the dumpster is So it is a man wearing a black and white striped uh long-sleeve shirt.

21:40Uh, he has an ascot on, but we can't see the end of it yet, and he's wearing one of those funny berets, but he is laying down with his legs crossed, almost like he's in some kind of weird seductive pose, like when you would lay on a bearskin rug. And his cigarette seems like it's at least a foot and a half long. And on top of that, he also has one of those cigarette filters that is also a foot and a half long. So this guy has a three foot long cigarette that he's currently smoking. And then the big guy that we talk to with the weird British accent or whatever the [expletive] accent that I use.

21:40Talks to him and then he unwraps his legs very quickly and sits up and he starts walking towards us. So this is the exact same walk that we saw earlier. And his ascot is still trailing behind him. Like his he's probably 30 [expletive] feet away from us. And his ascot is still coming. Like we do not see the end of it. And it is all kinds of different colors. It's like it's it sparkles, it shines, um, it's matte in some spots, but it's a very weird fabric.

22:51Ash, I think this person is better than us on every single level and every single criteria of a human being.

22:56That's just what these boozy boys want you to think, Roy. Don't fall for their trap. It's all just fluff and mirrors, you know? Don't fall for this [expletive]. Trust me.

23:06And as you finish saying that, he like leans in and he's like, Bumbo, Bum Bumbo.

23:13Hey, up here. This is my uh friend Roy. Um as you can see, I just acquired a new set of wheels, and I'd like to test them out against you if you think you're man enough for it.

23:26He like holds up a finger, like to tell you to like pause and wait, and then he like looks up at Roy, like up and down. His hat's meant to be ugly, but at least you can take it off. You will be ugly forever. And then he like blows like a like a heart-shaped like [expletive] smoke from his foot and a half long cigarette.

23:44Don't try to stumble [expletive] my buddy over here, alright? His hat looks nice. Roy, man, cover up your nipples, dude. It's not the time. Like I can't help myself!

23:54Look at that ascot!

23:56But put a [expletive] blanket on over it. But I am even more excited to have our rematch, Ash. Yeah, I am too, uh Pierre. So what vehicle are you bringing this time? That piece of [expletive] from overseas that you had last time? Huh? With the fancy interior.

24:19Oh that's so 2084, Ash. And today I drive the oldie dunk.

24:27The old donkey?

24:29No, oldie dunk. It means like wow. Like wow factor, because us bougie boys, we are so impressive. Unlike you're racing.

24:39And just now I take my eyes off of him and look out my windshield, and the rest of the bougie boys are all gathered around, but they're all just striking poses to nobody. Just like hand gestures and everything. Alright, you're you're bringing the donk, and I'm bringing this thing. Alright? Check out this bad boy, and I point to my rocking chair. Ergonomics, Pierre. You wouldn't know anything about ergonomics. You don't even care about comfort.

From 25:00

25:04Oh, Miyamora, Ash. Is that a rocking chair? Perhaps?

25:11Mahogany. You bet your ass it is.

25:14What an absolute threat. It is making me about as hard as that stiff backing that you have.

25:20I look behind me and Roy's nipples are poking me in the back. And I'm like, damn it, Roy, stop! You're embarrassing me in front of Pierre. Ash, I don't know whose team I'm on anymore. You don't want to be them. It's all fake, man. Alright, Pierre, are we doing this or what? Are you gonna race this time or are you gonna send old [expletive] dumpy nuts over there coming over?

25:42No, Ash. I saved the best for you, as always. Hmm, usual cost, usual rules.

25:49Yeah, that works for me. Oh [expletive], there is dumpy nuts. There's like just some naked guy walking across, but apparently that's high fashion.

26:01Do not this dumpy nuts. He uh expresses minimalism to its most extreme and accepted form.

26:10But he didn't have to race me with a bicycle last time, Pierre. That was disgusting.

26:14And you still lost, my dear Ash. I know. Just like you'll lose now. You know, if we're going to do this, why don't we make it uh how do you say uh interesting?

26:26Yeah, you wanna up the ante. I'm down. I don't have much. I got something. Roy, what do we got?

26:32Well, you got that cool hammer they just gave you.

26:34No, terrible idea. We have a blow dart gun if you're interested.

26:41Yes. Me and the bougie boys do like to blow from time to time. Yes, boys?

26:47I knew you'd be interested. Well, what are you putting on the line, Pierre? Don't get so fast on me.

26:53Aside from me, uh Reputation. Uh, perhaps uh Roy leans and he's like, the ascot. I want the ascot. I don't know if your football man shoulders would be able to rock this.

27:06It's not for me, it's for the guy next to me.

27:08Oh yes, you could definitely rock this.

27:11Very well. One ascot for one pepotaro holder.

27:16That is the deal.

27:17I'm like holding out my limp wrist.

27:20I I grab his fingers and just move my hand up and down. Alright, let's do this.

27:29Oi! Bougie boys! A standboard, we got us a race!

27:33It's the longest anybody's ever scattered.

27:37They're all like doing that walk but in different directions. And they're like pivoting 90 degrees to like turn.

27:43Some of them are already on the other side of the road and want to walk to the other side, so it just takes even [expletive] longer.

27:50We don't move at all, and then from behind us, we hear this like vehicle pull up. Like, man, can you describe what the oldie dunk uh looks like?

27:59Ooh, so this is actually a very nice European model. Um, it looks like a straight sports car, but the exterior has been wrapped in what looks like designer brand logos, kind of like a a Louis Vuitton bag, is the whole outside looking thing. The wheels are non-existent. This is apparently a hover model and instantly makes Ash's blood boil because that really feels like cheating. But then if you look at the inside, it actually has a small disco ball coming down, and there's a hot tub in the back seat, and he's got like five other dudes back there with him, so that really gives me a good chance at this, you know.

28:48It's [expletive] beautiful, Ash.

28:49Oh my god. Don't fall for the flash, man. That's all they are. There's no substance, it's all just surface. You can't fall for it, Roy.

29:01I hate to wreck a man more than once, but you always come back wanting more.

29:07I'm gonna win this time. Alright? This isn't some 80s montage movie where I constantly lose until I learn a life lesson and then I come back and don't race you. This is for real. Alright, look at my bad boy. I call it State Farm. That's what I call it call this thing.

29:25Hmm, how to quint.

29:27Well, bonchans. And then uh, what do you call that guy? Dumpy nuts, yeah. And then dumpy nuts comes with like the checkered flag on like each one of his hands and stands before the vehicle roads. And as he lifts up the flags, you finally get like a full-on frontal stuff.

29:43And he does, in fact, have really dumpy nuts.

29:46Hey, Ash, I don't know if I should be in the vehicle, and then suddenly the flags go down. Yeah, and he starts going, and then you describe this race. I don't know.

29:54Okay, so uh at first they pull ahead rather quickly, but then that causes some sloshing in the hot tub, and you can tell that the flamboyant men in the backseat are getting angry. So Pierre slows down just a little bit, and that gives me an edge to come up beside him. This race that we have actually takes one 90-degree turn, and we are coming at it neck and neck. Uh, we take it hard, hitting it, but then they start pulling away from us fast. And then I look over at Roy. I'm like, Roy, there's only one option for us. We need a speed boost. Let's try those cannons.

From 30:00

30:27I thought you were gonna push me out of the vehicle.

30:31That was idea number two. I'm gonna get you that ascot.

30:35I've never been more dedicated to this than I am right now. What do I have to do and what the [expletive] is a cannon?

30:40I look across, like I didn't really give it a once over, but then I see like two brass, like spindle dials, like uh look like uh wheels on a stagecoach kind of looking thing. And I'm like, I guess you turn those, and then there's a little note above them that says cannons.

30:58How the [expletive] is this supposed to be helpful?

31:00I don't know.

31:00I crank one of them like all the way to the right.

31:03And all of a sudden uh you crank it and the cannon starts uh shooting out horizontally from the car, like it's getting in position to be fired. I'm like, keep cranking, Roy, keep cranking, do something. And now the other one comes out. We need him get the face the other way. Is there anything for that? I don't know.

31:21Hit the brakes and go reverse. It's the only way.

31:23I tap the brakes really hard, and then all of a sudden the candles do flip over. Yeah.

31:28I'm like, [expletive] Roy just is like pushing buttons, like hoping for the best.

31:32So as you're pushing buttons, like the dome light comes on, the heater comes on, um, the dashboard pops open a little bit, and like a hand sanitizing napkin comes out. More butterscotch falls from the ceiling, and then after like 20 buttons, you finally hit it, and we suddenly get a speed boost and [expletive] slam forward. And then there's a whole line of bougie boys waiting down at the end of the road, and there's a long red carpet actually going across the road this time, and they're waiting with cameras and [expletive]. And we [expletive] pass him, no problem. I look over to the left just as we're passing, and Pierre's cigarette is [expletive] burnt down to nothing.

31:32He's got red in his eyes, he's pissed, his ascot is still flowing so far behind him, we can't even see the end of it still. It's back at the [expletive] dumpster where we started. I don't know how this thing [expletive] works. But we pass him, and then that's the [expletive] that's the race. I feel so much joy in my heart that my whole life I have been a [expletive] loser in this cyberpunk town that we live in, and I have finally [expletive] won something.

32:42Pierre pulls up and he's like, C'est la vie, I guess you have won.

32:47Thanks, Pierre. It was a long time coming. I know I've lost 20 times in a row against you guys, and I keep coming back, but I'm glad I got this one in the bag.

32:58And he like leans over to his mechanic. I think we've proven we will have to fix the accelerator pedal in this vehicle. We will not be able to beat Ash anymore on just regular cruise control.

33:09You see, I'm starting to drain the hot tub in the back. Like, oh, this is a terrible idea. Like, alright, I told you not to fill the hot tub. We have a serious race going on! Right. So we'll take that ascot and then we have some stuff that we need to do, Pierre. It was great talking with you.

33:30We, it has been a pleasure. Next time you are in town, why don't you come over and we discuss other matters? And he like winks at you.

33:41Sure. I don't know what that means, but I will come back and give me the ascot!

33:45And I just start like pulling- You got a handle on it?

33:47Go, go, go!

33:51And for a while, like nothing happens. Like, we're driving and it's pulling the ascot, but Pierre remains standing and it's just continues to unfurl around him.

33:59He has striked such a solid pose that it is [expletive] doing nothing. It's just flowing off of him. Like he's made of fabric and we're unraveling him.

34:09Well, Ash, do you feel um better about yourself now? Do you think uh one, do you have trust in your new vehicle, your new wheels of sorts? And two, um, why the [expletive] did we just do that?

34:20Number one, I love this [expletive] truck. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And honestly, I I'm thinking about it, Roy, and this wouldn't have been possible if you didn't come into my life, man. So thank you for that.

34:35I really love when you're vulnerable like this. Maybe next week we could.

34:38And we did it because we wanted to win, Roy. Because I'm a winner. Believe it or not, I don't care what my [expletive] dad says. I'm a winner, and I'm gonna make a name for myself in this town, and I'm gonna write a [expletive] jingle. And then all of a sudden, I'm just really focused on the road. I got both hands gripping the steering wheel, and I'm just staring it down, almost frothing at the mouth. How intense I am right now.

34:59And just custom me like wrapping the [expletive] ascot like repeatedly around my neck.

From 35:00

35:04It's still out the window, and we still have not seen the end of it yet.

35:08We pull up to your neighborhood, per usual, there is a bunch of like dumpster fires, and we'll call them the local residents, uh, just uh, you know, habitating the road in a very disorganized fashion. And we're like, where are we gonna park this? This is a pretty nice vehicle now, you might be at risk.

35:24Don't worry, I have a plan. And we park right in front of the building, and I hop out into the back, and I just pull out a tarp, and I throw the tarp over the truck, and then I pick some bricks up off the ground that are just laying there, and I put one on the hood and one on the back, and then I slap my hands together. Done and done. That's pretty much incognito mode around here, Roy. You don't go looking under tarps.

35:50Alright, so we get in, we get to the hallway, we get to, you know, because of course Ash has the last apartment at the end of the hallway, and you see the door is ajar.

36:01Oh [expletive], Roy. You don't think they were like found us, right? Like they didn't break in and try to do anything to the boy.

36:09I don't know, we need to get in there stats. And I rush in.

36:13It is completely different from where we left it. It is now very high-tech looking, but uh but not. It's just the things that I had laying around, but now they're doing things, they're moving around, there's lights. I didn't know if my house my apartment could be so bright, and no sign of the boy, it doesn't look like. And all of a sudden we hear some muffles from next door and some pounding. Oh, it's just [expletive] Jair. I don't care about that. Where's the boy? Boy! Boy, boy, are you here? Boy, we're home! And all of a sudden, the sleeper couch that was just a normal sleeper couch now breaks apart horizontally, but with like hydraulics and [expletive]. And a platform is now raising from the center, and it's the boy just standing on the platform.

36:13Like, what the [expletive]? What what have you been doing in here?

37:09Now that's what I call an entrance, Ash.

37:11That was amazing, but I'm still pissed because where did you go? It's only a sleeper sofa, like you can only go so far deep, and you just came rising up out of it. And like I try to like run and peek down, but before I can, he hops off the platform and the dope doors just instantly shut on the sleeper sofa, and it just starts folding back down. What what have you been doing? Look at look at my place, it's a mess, kind of.

37:37He just smiles and looks at you.

37:39Alright.

37:39I think it's better, Ashley.

37:41Yeah, okay, that's fine. Alright, boy. We got stuff to do. We need you for a mission. You have to come with us. Have you done anything hilarious to Jared while I was gone?

37:53He smiles and gives you the thumbs up.

37:55[expletive] yeah. Alright. I'm gonna deal with all this later, but right now, we need to go.

38:01We're going to a picnic! And I like grab the boy's hand, I'm like, let's go.

38:05It's a company picnic. Don't get too excited about it.

38:08And it's not actually probably going to have food or outdoors, but that's fine.

38:12It should still be fun. I don't know anything about kids. It'll be a great time. Let's [expletive] go, dude.

38:17And as we close the door behind us and start to head downstairs, you hear um some like noise coming from Jair's apartment again.

38:23What the [expletive] is going on in there? And I like the curiosity gets the best of me. So then I immediately run back into the apartment, and then I pull out this door that actually has like a horn attached to it, and I put my ear up to the horn, and it's like connected directly into Jair's apartment so I can hear everything that's going on in there. What do I hear in there?

38:45Hey mom, I just I hear my neighbors are back, and I've been having a really hard time, and I asked you here today because I thought maybe you could go talk to them. Like, I I really think something's going on. Uh, you think something's going on, Jair? You think that's your internet bitter, your water bitter? You think every single utility went up? But it might be going on because of your neighbors?

39:09Uh yeah, I I mean I think that's uh I mean what else could it be, you know? They are clearly steering from you, Jer.

39:15We did not come from the mother country many decade millennia ago, so that your utilities could be stealed by what? Some construction worker? Oh man, mom, I just I really feel like you're being hard on me, and you know, we can't all be successful headhunters like you. Yes, I am a headhunter. I find professional executive positions to fill in corporations, and that is the only headhunting I do. I know, I know, mom, I know. It's just okay. Well, do you want to go over and like knock on their door and talk to them? No. You will grow boons and you will talk to them yourself, and you will take what is yours. I did not raise no [expletive].

39:56All of a sudden a little robotic bird flies out of my apartment, and I notice it while my ear is on the horn, and I'm like, huh. And it just flies out the window, and then all of a sudden you hear tapping on Jair's window. Uh, special message for one Jair living next door.

From 40:00

40:15This has never happened before, Mom. This is exciting. Open your window, Jay. I don't know how to see what new way you can disappoint me this afternoon. He opens the window.

40:24Greetings from your neighbors in the apartment. This message is from everyone in the building. [expletive] you. And then it flies up.

40:32Oh wow, that uh that did not go as planned, Ma. I just I really just Please shut up. We are taking you out today. I do not want to hear about your pathetic life. For 12 hours, we will pretend like you are a successful child who will bear children and extend my legacy. Um, okay, thanks. Thanks, Ma. And uh at that point you like pull. You're like, hey, we gotta get out here.

40:57I'm like, oh, yeah, let's go. I know who that is. We need to go. Roy, let's get the car. Take your ascot. I'll get the boy.

41:04Alright, so we rush downstairs, which is way too much effort for uh Roy, and he's just kind of like, what was that about anyway? Like, because he couldn't hear anything that was, you know, going through the door.

41:15No [expletive], dude. Midas underbite is [expletive] Jair's mom.

41:19Wait, wait, they're having sex?

41:21No, no, no. Is literally Jair's mom, dude. And to top it off, the boy, he can build robots, apparently, because he made this [expletive] bird that went over there, knocked on Jair's window, and told him to go [expletive] himself. Hilarious. I almost started laughing.

41:39Roy looks Ash dead in the eyes. Are you on some substances?

41:43No, I don't think so, unless the boy has been letting out toxic fumes with all the [expletive] he's been doing in the apartment. But I swear to you, that is exactly what I heard. Promise.

41:54Alright, fine. I mean, we just saw he built a custom uh basically transformer bed pedestal. Fine. Maybe the boy did build a bird. That is his sole purpose is to [expletive] with Jar. But how do you know that Jar's mother is Midas Underbite? Because she never spoke to us, even though you keep insisting that she has a Russian accent.

42:14She never once said a word for us except uh We finally get to the bottom of the stairs, and directly behind us in the parking spot is a motorcycle that says Midas underbite on it. It has a big gold jaw on the gas tank. I'm just like, hmm?

42:31Wow. Nothing subtle in this city.

42:34We should have seen that before we walked in, but we didn't. And here it is now.

42:39Well, we need to get the [expletive] out of here. We don't have time for you to be right, okay? Fine, let's go. Let's get in the car, let's get the [expletive] out of here before they get downstairs.

42:45Alright, let me get the tarp.

42:47And as a uh it cuts back over to Jared's mother, and Midas underbite's like, I wish you had learned to ride like every other member of family.

42:55Just a tear rolling down his cheek.

42:57And uh off in the distance, you like see our vehicle like make a like a fast turn.

43:02As I was backing up though, from the parallel park job, I totally smashed into the bike and then she's like, goodz is day, it's any worse.

43:11And the bird, the like mechanical bird, somehow manages to take like an oil [expletive] on like her shoulder.

43:21Oops.

43:24And then it flies away. Yes. Alright, we pull up to Gunko and describe how the Gunco facility looks.

43:31Now, most of the corporate buildings are very classy, high-rise, all glass, multicolored glass that change depending on the day, depending on the mood of the company. But Gunco is a little bit different. It almost looks like a Texas roadhouse that's just been converted into office space. It still has the old Texas Roadhouse sign. There's peanut shells all over the floor.

44:03Roy is like, this is exactly what I expected this place to look like.

44:07I know, me too. [expletive] corpse, am I right? Always tearing down local businesses to [expletive] make way for their offices and. [expletive], it's disgusting.

44:16What is a Texas anyway?

44:18No clue, but the food there was good. The butter, amazing. I have no clue. The steaks from the genetically engineered cows that they had.

44:31[expletive] Ash, the boy. And we look outside the window, and he's already like walking in to like the main entrance of the building.

44:36He needs an adult for kindergarten day. Okay. We're going in through the front, right? We have the credentials from Inferno. We should be able just to walk in casual.

44:45Howdy, partner! Oh, go ahead and put those away.

44:47We don't need those here.

44:49Oh, thanks. Sir, just here for kindergarten day. Me and my roommate and our kid.

44:58Well, where's his kid, partner?

From 45:00

45:01Uh we share this one. You know, times are tough here in the future.

45:05Ah, you're one of those sissi boys. No, no. It's okay, it's okay. We're lawfully required to support y'all's kind with our taxes and our faith.

45:14We think all the gays should have guns.

45:18When we say everyone should have guns, we even mean fellas like you. And he winks.

45:23Ah, thanks. And I look back, and Roy's still wearing the [expletive] fedora and the ascot. And I'm like, [expletive].

45:30Alright, thanks. Thank you. Roy walks in and he like whispers into Ash's ear. Honestly, that could have gone much worse.

45:39You you think? Like, to me, like that cut me a little bit deep, Roy. I don't know what you were witnessing when we walked in that door, but that right there really hurt my feelings.

45:50Well, because you're any less of a man because you thought we'd make a good parenting couple. No, because I specifically And I like throw the ascot over my shoulder and walk away. This is why we never had children when I walk away.

46:02Damn it. We do have one. He's right here. He's gone. I'm like, [expletive].

46:09Alright, so we walk in, and one of the first things Roy notices is a vending machine, but in the front it just has a bunch of bullet holes, and that's because it literally vends handguns that are loaded, and when it drops, they just like misfire and like shoot through the front. And he's like, wow, this is some kind of and then somebody walks up, some kind of awesome ain't it.

46:30Yes, yes it is. And you just spit tobacco all over my shoe. That that is something. No wonder there's peanut shells all over the floor with all of that chews.

46:41Ah, builds character, doesn't it, boys? Uh, and who's this little fella right here?

46:46This is boy. Say hi, boy. He doesn't. No, he totally doesn't.

46:53He just stares directly into the guy. The like pupils like dilate somewhat seemingly like mechanically.

47:00Oof.

47:00Wow, he looks a little old for a kindergartner, but boys will be boys, am I right?

47:05Sir, sir. It's one thing for the guy out front to judge me and my partner, but now you come after our son. This poor kid has a condition to where he looks a lot older than he is. Benjamin Button Disease, I think it's called.

47:26Now now, I didn't mean to infer anything of that sort. Here's the agenda for today. Uh we have a couple different games, as you can see. Um, all of them involve guns because we believe here a gun go, everybody should be armed. Just, you know, make sure to stay uh out back or down here on this first level. Everything's upstairs is where the good stuff happens.

47:45I could tell that from the agenda being written on this gun that you handed me. I think that's awesome as well. And then I like check the magazine and I'm like, oh look, there's more notes. Is that a [expletive] directory carved into the magazine? That that is very helpful. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

48:05Use what you know, am I right?

48:07You are correct. I'm starting to like get more in the mood now. I'm like, ooh, maybe these could be my people.

48:13The guy walks away and Ash is like trying to read the schedule on the uh on the magazine that you hand him. Um I have no clue what's going on right now.

48:25Neither do I, because I'm trying to read this thing, and for some reason they used black print on a black gun, and I don't think the cogs run very smoothly around here, Roy. I just get that feeling.

48:40Thank God this thing's empty because I want to put it back on safe.

48:43Well, I'm sorry that I'm not familiar with the guns, but it felt great in my hand. And you know what? I go over to the vending machine and I put in like a dollar and I get a gun from the vending machine.

48:55It drops and like immediately like shoots through the thing, but not at you, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, Ash.

49:00You know what? You're right. That was a bad call. I'm gonna leave that in there for the next guy. And all of a sudden, like five kindergartners come running by and one of them grabs the gun. I'm sure it's fine.

49:14Alright, Ash, if I'm reading this magazine schedule correctly, which to be totally honest, I'm not sure I am reading it correctly, but it sounds like they're doing bobbing for hand grenades. And uh I think that might be a good time for us to go and make a phone call.

49:34And he like wakes very obviously. I also agree, Roy, because that gives us time to go to the face painting with the blood of your enemies before they bob for the rifles. So that sounds like fun, right, boy?

49:51He just gives like a thumbs up.

49:52Oh yeah, okay, sweet. [expletive] yeah, let's go, let's do it. Some bonding time. Are you [expletive] kidding me?

49:58And you like you, uh Ash and the boy just kind of like walk off. And he's like, I'm not doing it. I'm not going out there. I am not condoning whatever the [expletive] is going on here.

From 50:00

50:07Some guy walks up behind him. Hey, I like that scarf you got, huh?

50:14Okay, over to the over to the face painting.

50:18Happens every time.

50:21Uh so we get outside, and now there is a lot, a lot of people, um, with children and without children, and I'm like, Ash, I don't think this is where we should be. This is the most congested point of the entire facility. I think we should go back inside, use the restroom, and do what we came here to do.

50:42I look up and my face is already painted, and it's in a very distasteful uh Native American pattern on my face. And all of a sudden I also have a feathered headdress on with just one feather, and I'm like, you know what, Roy? You're right. We didn't come here for this, even though this is awesome. We didn't come here for this. Uh, the PA comes on. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bobbin for grenades is coming up within five minutes. Please have your raffle tickets ready. We are giving away not one, not two, but three thousand rounds of ammo to one lucky, lucky person.

51:33Roy looks over at Ash. Look, go ahead. I'm gonna go do what I gotta do, and you just you have fun.

51:39I'm already checking my raffle ticket. Like, where did I even get it from?

51:47Just keep the boy in your sight, okay? Promise me.

51:50Yeah, at all times.

51:52And I go back in and I just look back. I stop one more time, look back, and I'm like annoyed with how much fun you're having. Then I head back inside.

51:59We're on like uh little miniature ponies just riding around in a circle shooting off pistols. It's crazy, all this fits in a Texas roadhouse. It's blowing my mind.

52:16Alright, so Roy goes inside and it's still pretty much empty. Well, uh to the right looks like that's uh elevator, and I hit a button, and the elevator opens, and there's somebody in there.

52:27Oh pardon me, sir. Just you weren't interested in the festivities?

52:34I take off my hat and like put it over my chest and bow. Oh, oh, I love these festivities, ma'ams is. I just have to do a number two before I fire off a number one.

52:49Say no more. That's where I just came from. I don't like doing my twos in public.

52:54So there's a private bathroom on the third floor, right next to the computer server room. It's the greatest place. It's quiet, it's cool from all the computers, it's excellent. I knitted a sock up there. I was up there for so long. Look at this, and she pulls out a knitted sock.

53:15Wow, B, that is uh a heck of a and I just run in, push the button, and the door closes.

53:21Oh dear. Yeah, it turned it's just a gun warmer. I thought he'd like it.

53:26And she shoves a pistol into the sock and just goes back to the party.

53:31Inside the elevator, Roy is like, I think I'm in over my [expletive] head, dude. But uh quickly he's gonna go to the third floor, the elevator's open, and he walks out, and immediately he sees people walking up and down the hall, and he's like, God [expletive] damn it. This would have been a lot easier if and then somebody else like approaches him.

53:49Hola.

53:51Uh hello. Uh hola, como estás? My ego. See?

53:58We clean. Oh my god.

54:01Oh, you you clean well, you you do good. Uh where could I find uh the the restroom here on this floor?

54:09Uh uh, you know from here?

54:12Uh no, no, I'm from here. I just uh I've had a lot to drink, you know, uh the festivities downstairs. For some reason we're mixing alcohol and firing off firearms, so I just a little tipsy. Ooh, where's the bathroom? Oh, it's over here, found it, thank you.

54:27No, you know from here.

54:29No, I swear, I swear. Uh I'll I'll catch you later. Gosh, I hope that guy doesn't say anything to anybody. And I'm like quickly walking down the hall.

54:37Uh he reaches over to a gun lapel that is over on his collar and he pushes a button on it. Oh, we may have a problem on the third floor.

54:49It cuts to downstairs and like and like every time like it's something on the beat, you're like firing off another weapon.

54:56Me and the boy are just down there.

From 55:00

55:03It cuts back up, and I'm just sweating bullets. I find the bathroom that she's talking about, so then I look to the room next door to that, and it says Does it literally say server room?

55:15It says computer server room, and the sign is actually off kilter a little bit. It looks like this room is hardly ever really used for much of anything.

55:26It cuts down. Uh why don't you talk about what Roy or what Ash is doing?

55:31So we already bobbed for grenades at this point. You're taking longer than we expected. We came in second place, it was kind of [expletive]. And after that, our faces are a little bit messed up from dunking our heads in the water, but it's fine. And then now we're having a clean the rifle blindfolded contest, and I didn't even enter it, but for some reason the boy is doing [expletive] amazing, and I am just cheering him on. Oh yeah. I found a drink vendor. I'm I've had a couple drinks, and this is pretty much the [expletive] time of my life. I have never been more proud as a parent than this random kindergarten event that we went to.

55:31And like there's been a couple times where I've had to push down a couple kindergartners, but the boy's been right there to back me up, and then it's been the time of my life.

56:24So you're standing there with your raffle tickets waiting for them to call the raffle for not one, not two, but three thousand rounds of ammunition. And you notice like a bunch of people keep like leaning over and whispering at each other and start walking inside the building.

56:38Oh [expletive]. Boy, boy. We might have been compromised. Where did you get that corndog? That looks [expletive] amazing. Okay. I'm gonna go get a corndog too. And then we're gonna go find Roy. Okay? And the raffle numbers are Okay, after the raffle and after the corndog, we're gonna find Roy.

57:03It cuts back up to Roy, and he is just [expletive] like drenched in sweat. Like his clothes are just like [expletive] sopping. Sleeping a trail from the door. Oh when we're just walking. He's sitting in the computer, and this thing looks like a [expletive] like CRT monitor, like [expletive] DOS. Like it is old school as hell, but it does have the USB 17 star shape.

57:26Yeah.

57:27And he plugs it in and uh immediately gets a password screen. It's like, please enter, password. And I'm like, well [expletive]. Like, Inferno didn't tell me anything about a password. I um let me see, um guns denied. Firearms, denied. Gun co. Access granted. And I'm like, well, great. I'm I'm glad that the weapons provider for the entire entirety of Beacon City uses its own name as its password. There's absolutely nothing concerning there. And then uh from there, he just starts to like log in, follows the directions. Inferno gave him very specific directions on how to almost do like a hacking type of deal and where to install and drag and drop the file.

57:27And it begins to happen, and you can see that it's like running through a directory and it's inserting names and IDs, and it's adding it doesn't just add me and you, it adds a number of fake people like for proxy, because we're assuming maybe we get her out and we've added inferno. We've just added a number of placeholders so that we can swap people in potentially as needed, and the process is going really well, and then uh I start to hear like unlocking of the door.

58:34Me and the boy walk in with holding corndogs.

58:37Oh, thank god, Roy. I thought you were somewhere else. I was getting real nervous.

58:41Roy, did you know that there's a key in these guns? It's crazy the things you learn down in the festivities down there.

58:50Well, I'm glad you've been having fun while I've been trying to figure out how to say proxy, huh? I think she'd find all this really funny, wouldn't she?

58:56Instant look of shame comes across my face. And then I take another bite of corndog.

59:02But then from behind you, somebody's like, hey partners, what are you doing in our old school server room? We didn't even know these computers still existed. Ain't that right? My friend. And he looks at his buddy, who is this like big buff security garlanding guy.

59:16Oh, I'm I'm sorry, sir. It's just my little boy here had to use the bathroom, and you know, this there's a bathroom up here, so that's that's what we were doing. And we just got lost.

59:29I just can't help but notice the bathroom is in the room over there, and you're in the room over here. What uh what's the likelihood of that? Friend, and he walks in, and the other guy steps through the door in the entryway, and then they close the door behind them and lock it. And we'll end there. Well, Nate, another great week, and I'm proud of us. We have officially recorded more than one episode in 60 days. We have officially launched more than one episode in 60 days. I think we can say we are officially back, my guy.

59:56We're back. We're on a roll. Nobody can stop us, not even Gunko.

From 60:00

60:01Not even Gunko. Oh man. We are not political or affiliated with any party. We just thought it would be really fun to have kids with guns at a work event. I thought that would be hilarious.

60:13It was hilarious. Everyone, if you if you're new to the show, we don't do politics, we don't do religion, we just make jokes. So not really.

60:24If for some reason this episode offended you.

60:26Leave a comment.

60:27Leave a comment. Yeah.

60:29You [expletive], leave a comment. I dare you.

60:32And as always, so go ahead, click the text, send us a text. If you want to send us a message in Spotify, go ahead and leave a comment in the podcast episode within the Spotify's interface. Or if you feeling really uh supportive and kind hearted on this day of the week that you are listening, uh go ahead and click the episode link or the support our show link in the episode description, and you can give us a monthly subscription because honestly, it would be nice to even like break even on some of the software we use to edit.

60:58And make it worth Nate's time doing all this crazy editing that he has to do.

61:02Please God. Nate gets to hop on and enjoy an hour to ninety minutes of his night, and then I spend sixteen hours of my next two weeks editing this [expletive] into a polished. I'm sorry. It's good. It's good. Alrighty, folks, thanks for listening, and we'll be coming up soon on the Paradigne Games.

61:21Thank you, and have a good night.