Neither Heaven Nor Helsing, Part 1

From 0:00

0:15Hello and welcome to Not One Presents the Daft Monks podcast.

0:19Hey Nate. Hey dare, ho dear.

0:21What's uh what's new with you?

0:23Oh, uh, you know, just uh just surviving the worst week I've had at work in a long time.

0:29Oh, how come is it because you're all alone and you're lonely?

0:32No, you would think, but actually, for people who don't know, in the United States, we like many countries around the world do daylight savings. But Arizona, the state in the United States that we live or I live in, does not do daylight savings. And logistically, it's a nightmare. Like the concept of not having daylight savings is really cool in our state. But if you work with anybody else, if you have family anywhere else outside of Arizona, it's actually just terrible. And long story short, Nate, like waking up in the morning, I used to get online at 8 a.m. and I had an hour before they started working. Now they're already [expletive] working when I get online because I work with East Coasters, and so like I wake up and people are like, this is broken.

0:32And I'm like, I'm not awake. Right. I just got here. It's crazy how much Nate an hour difference can make now that the East Coast is like an hour ahead of me more than it was before. It's now three hours ahead instead of two. It like is a game changer.

1:25Oh man, I can honestly say that was the only perk of living in Arizona was not having to change my clock.

1:31I hope one day the rest of the United States takes it on. There is legislature, but funny enough, the like convenience store lobbies and like the golf lobbies, lobbyists don't want it.

1:42Farmers, farmers don't they like daylight savings because apparently you need daylight to farm. Apparently, I don't know.

1:48Like how hard could it be, but you got lights. First world problem, I guess, Nate.

1:54Right. What have you been uh watching? Anything interesting? Anything I should know about?

1:59Oh man, they okay. So I mean, you know what I've been watching because I text you all the time. I know. I uh just randomly the other night because my my partner's out of town, so I'm like, let me watch some shows I normally wouldn't watch because he'd be bored or whatever. And I kept seeing this one advertised on Netflix called Physical 100. Uh-huh. And us being, you know, the testosterone junkies that we are was like, okay, this sounds great. They take a hundred of the best physiques from Korea, and we're talking like Olympic gold medalists, we're talking famous bodybuilders, MMA fighters, and then it's a reality TV show, but the challenges are like incredibly physical. And Nate, what a great time this show has been.

1:59I haven't finished it, so no spoilers, but I got to the episode after they all three of the teams pushed the boat. Ooh, that was a tough one. Absolutely wild, Nate. So you've seen the show, right?

2:50Oh yeah, I've finished it in its entirety, and I loved every second of it. The uh only problem that I had with the show was that I originally started watching it in the dubbed English version, and it almost made me stop watching the show. I hated it so much. Whatever voice actors they used for that, the like the tone and like inflection of their voice for these characters did not match.

3:15You know what it reminded me of, Nate? Have you ever watched like on Animal Planet where they give voices to the animals? Yes. And it sounds ridiculous, but it's like because you know animals like don't speak English or don't like speak any really language that we can comprehend. And that's what this felt like. And it's funny too, like the bigger the bodybuilder, the more they do their voices like this. Like it's very silly. Honestly, I haven't turned it off because it's kind of ridiculous. And I like uh in a dark, sadistic way, I'm kind of enjoying it because it doesn't match at all and it's hilarious.

3:44Oh, but yeah, I had to change mine to just subtitles in Korean because listening to that voice talk about honor was laughable. But if I hear a Korean voice talk about honor, goosebumps. I'm like, oh, this guy knows about honor, you know.

4:00Yeah, I've really enjoyed it, but I will say that show is brutal, and I'm not talking about the physical challenges, Nate. I'm talking about they don't give a [expletive] about the women. Right. There's certain challenges where they balanced it where it's like you have to lift 40% of your body weight. And so that definitely helps women like be on a an equal setting. Right. But then there's other challenges. Like I thought it was totally F Nate, where they're like, okay, elect the 10 most fit people to be leaders, and then rank number nine and 10 got the leftover team members and got effed.

4:00And then after that chick, the the female wrestler wins with her team with a high disadvantage, she ends up like they're like, okay, it's in the clear, they're probably gonna pick new teams. No, then they take other leftovers who got disqualified and brought back, but one has a leg injury and says, Go lift a boat with all your all-female team and leg injury guy. And I'm just like, Jesus, like, absolutely savage. Oh, yeah. And then crazy wild, the guy they keep calling like Iron Man. I I of course am not very good at remembering Korean names, Nate. Sorry about it. But the the guy who like is very physically fit that they really build up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, do you remember during the 1v1 challenges?

4:00He's like holding the guy in like a hug with one arm and holding the ball with the other. And the other guy was also jacked. Oh, yeah. It was wild to me. Like, this is exactly like what I want from reality TV. Like, it's the right balance of ridiculous, but like over-the-topness.

From 5:00

5:27Right. And then everybody's still so polite about it, too. Like the one dude totally picked a chick to get the ball from her, and everybody was like, Oh, yeah, like it's okay. You know, like it's not okay. Like, he did a dirty move by picking a lady and he knew what he was doing, but everybody else was like, Oh, much respect.

5:45Like, and then he gave heavy serial killer vibes at first. He like put his hands in his pockets like he was shy, but then when he was done playing with her, he just like kneed her on the chest in the ground. And then when the other women were like, You can do this to like the the female contestant, he kept looking up and zipping his lips. And it just was like so dark and terrifying. And I'm like, This is crazy, and I love it. I cannot wait to watch the rest of the show. Honestly, as soon as we're done with this, I'm gonna put the chip back.

6:15Because there is no hope in here.

6:17And I'm like, oh honestly, in my mind, what I heard was you're next. Like, I'm gonna beat all of you women. Exactly. I I think it actually, like, all of the reality TV nonsense aside, I think it is so cool to see bodybuilders, MMA fighters, dancers, models all like compete. And right, the obvious point that you know isn't earth-shattering, but like different bodies are geared towards different things, right? Honestly, I would love to see this brought to the US.

6:47Oh, yeah, I loved it. And like you said, like the the different types of people, like there's one super tall, lanky American guy that's a baseball player, and then the ice climbers actually do surprisingly well. You wouldn't think, like, oh, it's just an ice climber, but no, these guys are strong. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, the whole mix of it. I loved the show, every second of it.

7:05The the cast all like gets along with each other and like very, like, for the most part, very respectful of each other, and that that's kind of nice to see too.

7:11And they all know each other too. It's almost like they all come from the same town instead of the same country. Like, they're like, Oh, yeah, I know so and so, I know bulk up, you know.

7:20Oh, I was so sad when bulk up got out. I really wanted it because he was like, he was definitely he was kind of like grandstanding, and it was it was hilarious. And like when he got out, he's like, Hopefully, I can get on season two, and if not season two, season three, baby.

7:35What what a catfish that guy is. Because in his pictures, when they showed bulk up, like this guy looks [expletive] huge, but then when he's compared to actual huge guys, like you're not even that big, bulk up, you [expletive] liar.

7:48That's the funny thing, too, is like some of those, like the really like skinny fake guys, you're like, oh my god, what like a what what like a piece of like weak trash. And it's like that guy's probably in a thousand times better shape than us. But then when you have these like ginormous guys, these bodybuilders, these strong men, these firefighters, it's like, wow, it's crazy.

8:07Wait till you get I'm not gonna spoil anything, but once you get to the semifinals, Nate, you're gonna lose your [expletive] because they have themed events like Icarus flying too close to the sun, and there's four of them. And oh man, that was when I was hooked. I watched it in a row. I did not take a break after that point to till the end because like it is so good. The way they designed the events, the way they did the events, who got stuck doing what events. Oh man, you're you're in you're in a messy watch it, I guarantee it.

8:37–12:31[Editorial omission.]

From 10:00

12:31All right, Nate. Uh, so you informed me that you have yet another movie you would like to talk about. Is it an 80s movie, Nate? Oh, actually, no, uh early 90s. Oh, thank God. I really was worried you were like on like a dark spiral of 80 movies.

12:46No, I looked it up and I was like, because we've been trying to have like a family movie night where everybody can just come together, [expletive] relax, because nobody in this house wants to relax.

12:57Just the way you said [expletive] relax. Like you didn't just say relax, like clearly there is some uh time, some breaks needed for the suck up household.

13:05Everyone in this house is high strung as [expletive], and they they want to do what they want to do, and they're gonna do it now. So I have instituted family movie night where we will sit down for approximately one and a half to two hours and watch a movie together. And I do my best to try to make family movies. So I looked them up last night. I was like, oh man, what's like a good family movie that I haven't seen in a while? And for in my head, I was like, man, this is a good [expletive] movie. The kids are gonna love it. So Nate, I'm gonna give you the title and then you're gonna see why I thought it was appropriate. The title of the movie is Ernest Scared Stupid.

13:05And in my head, it stuck with me like this is a good movie. Like I remember this being a spooky as [expletive] Halloween movie, and it had everything and it hit the right bells and whistles.

13:52So, Adult Nate, how is he feeling about Ernest Scared Stupid?

13:57Adult Nate. We enter in, we're watching the movie. Approximately five minutes in, I am getting motion sickness from the crappy quality of the video and the constant shaking. It's like a Blair Witch project shaking all over the place. I'm getting dizzy watching this [expletive] movie. I look over at Megan and she's doing the same thing. She's like, whoa, I don't I don't know. I'm like, I don't remember it being this [expletive] bad. Ernest is a complete [expletive] idiot, which he's supposed to be. Yeah. But I don't remember it being that bad. As a kid, you're like, oh, whatever. You know, he's just a goofy adult. But now as an adult with children, I'm like, this guy's a [expletive] idiot. Like, why did I watch this? Let's get to the good stuff.

13:57Like, I remember the good stuff. Where's the good stuff at? And sadly, once we got to the good stuff, it wasn't as good as I remember. Though the monster did look creepy, I will give it that. The little troll guy. But then the book was obvious. I remember the book for some reason, really bad in in my mind. And it wasn't that cool. Now watching it again. And the whole milk thing is [expletive] outrageous. The other trolls were not given the same amount of detail as our original troll. They seemed like extras. Like maybe some people showed up and they're like, hey, I have a troll costume at home. And they're like, [expletive] bring it in and we'll throw you in the movie, like that kind of thing.

13:57I want to say it was a disappointment because it kind of ruined a piece of my childhood. But I looked over at Corbin and he [expletive] loved this movie. He was laughing, oh yeah, all the [expletive] time. He was telling me, Dad, you know what I would do if I was president? I'm like, what, Corbin? He's like, we would nuke that troll. I'm like, on American soil, he's like, some casualties have to be made. That troll has to be stopped. And I'm like, whoa, dude. He hates this [expletive] troll. Which I guess was a win in the movie. You know, they made such a despicable character that my 11-year-old son would nuke some small town in Massachusetts just to get rid of the threat.

From 15:00

15:58You gotta do what you gotta do, Nate. I grew up in Massachusetts and I totally agree. If you gotta nuke a part of that town, then no loss.

16:04No loss.

16:05Oh, but yeah, so at least that that was the only highlight of it is I was hoping it was gonna be one of those movies like Goonies where I rewatch it and I'm like, oh, this is why I loved this [expletive] movie. But instead, it was I rewatched it and I was like, man, 10-year-old Nate was a [expletive] idiot. Like, this is a terrible movie. But I looked over at Corbin and he loved it. So I'm like, obviously, like what we talked about with the Velma thing, that movie was not made for adult Nate. It was made for 10-year-old Nate, and I guess it should remain in that area.

16:38Well, Nate, I think, unless you have anything else you want to discuss, I'm ready for what I think will be a very important pivotal episode of Daft Monks.

16:49I think so too. I am ready. Cue the music.

16:55The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.

17:13I wouldn't quite stay lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.

17:29Last time on Daftmunks, it was me and my friend Ginge. She's a hefty lady, but that's neither here nor there. At one point she weighed down the cart completely. Ah, who cares? I don't. Then we went on an adventure. We tried to leave town, but Bingo wasn't having it. He tried to stop us at all costs. He sent the Turnbuckle Teddies, a nefarious group of mobsters, after us, with their rippling 80s style muscles, all oiled up and lathered, and that's all I can really think about right now. It's it's terrible. I'm having nightmares. And then uh we chase around town, you know, turnbuckle teddy stop us. At one point I accidentally impregnated a donkey, which might be the mascot of the show from here on out.

17:29I am talking merch with pregnant donkeys falling from the sky. We will find out. I know that you care as much as I care. What happened to this donkey? Does it have a name? How will its family be? Is there a father besides me with a syringe? These answers may never be known, but it doesn't matter because that's the new mascot. Now, after the donkey, there was some arm wrestling, and it turned out the Turnbuckle Teddies are very adept at transforming themselves into structures like tables or arenas, and there was also some sweet 80 style theme music. I did okay. You know, I could have done better. I'm sure back in the day in my prime, maybe when my testosterone levels were higher, maybe I could have won that arm wrestling.

17:29But it doesn't matter because Ginch stepped up and she saved the day. And then we got away, and then I finally, after all this time, found Belmont.

19:07Scene. And that is where we'll pick up today. As Van Helsing and Ginge are escaping Grocerberger now quite a distance away from the city, they are riding forward with impregnated donkey and horses at hand, and they see another carriage, almost identical, in white, glowy celestial light, riding towards them.

19:28Belmont! I never thought I'd see you ever again. I can't believe it.

19:33Oh my god, Van Hilsing. It's been what, four, eight episodes since we've been together? I mean weeks.

19:39Months! Let's say months! It takes a long time to establish an empire in a new city like Hersheyberg, Hersheberg, Hersheyberg.

19:47Oh, I have so much to tell you, my friend, my uh well, ooh gosh, where'd I start? Uh first of all, Bingo, super evil.

19:55Yes. Figured it out. Now, who the [expletive] is this guy?

From 20:00

20:00I have someone very special I'd like to introduce you to. I step aside and then he's like, Naya is right behind me. How do you do? He uh he doesn't say a lot of words, uh Van Hilsing. He's uh more on the physical humor, if you you know what I mean.

20:16He doesn't look that impressive. Is he even a monster slayer? Where'd you find this schlub?

20:21Uh oh yeah, that's a good place to start. Uh Draculus Castle, where I was immediately caught while doing my reconnaissance and imprisoned. He uh helped me escape Ven Hilsing. And we've grown very close and learned quite a lot about each other. We had some good times, he had some bad times, he threw me out a window, he threw Blade out a window. Blade's dead, by the way.

20:40What? Blade? He was better than the rest of us.

20:43He actually was about to fikil Dracula, but then uh this guy had to throw me through a mirror into the room and distract Blade long enough for Dracula to you know, kinda impale him.

20:53Well, if there was a mirror, I'm not surprised. You're always looking at yourself and fixing your hair. I tell you, it distracts you from hunting monsters.

21:01Just because you don't keep up with your appearance doesn't mean I have to let myself go. Dad. I mean dadbot.

21:06He looks down at his big flabby dad bot.

21:10Yes, I meant dadbot. That's what you have, a body of a father that may or may not be me or my friends.

21:16I know what you meant. Look at me, I almost look like ging over there. Oh yeah, by the way, this is ging. She's with me. You found a friend, and I also found a friend.

21:26She's like eating that bag of oats from the last episode.

21:28No, Belmont, not the pregnant donkey. Ginge is the one next to it.

21:32I know it was confusing. Actually, I think I recognize her. Is this that woman who does the donkey videos from Gershaburger?

21:38I don't think this is the time or place for this. What are we doing here? I mean we're just standing in this field, and my spectral dead mother is still behind this wagon, and nobody seems to care about it. So what are we doing here?

21:52I don't think anybody asked you to talk. But yeah, what what are we doing here, Belmont? What are you doing here?

21:58Look, it's not safe here. Let let's get in the wagon, the real wagon, and uh oh, by the way, my stepfather's here.

22:05Well, I don't see him anywhere. You stepfather, don't you mean your father, Victor? You know what he means, you piece of [expletive]. Hmm he must be talking to your new friend. He does look like a piece of [expletive].

22:16And as you're saying that, like, uh Victor comes out of the ground in his like giant spectral form.

22:22And the same I have returned.

22:25From where? Where have you been?

22:27I was with you, and then I went back to them, and I've returned to you that which you have lost, so I can have my revenge.

22:36My favorite watch. I miss that watch. It was a good watch. It always kept time. Never owe your children, you idiot. I have children.

22:44That's what we need to talk about, Van Helsing. Quickly, let's get in the cabin and go somewhere safe. I don't trust we're far enough out of bingo's reach. Maybe we should go somewhere where we can figure things out.

22:53Yes, I too would like to figure things out. I am at a loss right now. My spectral mother is behind this cart.

23:01Oh, put it to rest. She's dead, okay? She's not coming back. That's not your real spectral mother. It's just an illusion.

23:07He goes down and like tries to hold her hand. Alright, well, our wagon is loaded to the gills right now with ging, so uh let's make two because it's gonna be a slow pace, and I'm pretty sure Bingo is still after us. He has at least, I don't know, a whole nother group of men that are possibly able to take us out at any point. Yes, thank you, ominous voice coming from all over the place. Nobody asked you anything. Like, you couldn't even please your wife, you know. Okay, okay, okay. Let's go.

23:39[expletive] what now, wait a second. If you want to go fist in cuffs, we'll go.

23:45Yes, I agree with Belmont. Let us go. You all load up into the wagon and uh are quite cozy. I imagine, like, even though there's that whole back here, all four of you are sitting up front, like really squeezed in, like Ginger just kind of taking up like half of the space, and then like the other three guys just like really pressed up against each other, and you guys kind of go off to an area that you actually know. It was it was where you guys camped out once before you did a bunch of shrooms and then destroyed a whole carnival Halloween festival.

24:14I remember vividly. The clown. This is a great place to set up camp. Remember when we had the posse? He was always good with his one-liners.

24:23Yeah, so you cleaned up a lot of your messes until you burnt down enough towns that he finally got captured and tortured to death for your wrongdoings.

24:30Just like last Wednesday, he would have said in this moment, I recall.

24:36The four of you and the spectral one as well, park your wagon over in some like enclosed area where it's like trees and rocks and stuff, and it's where you guys camped out before near the mushrooms, and you guys uh go and set up like a campfire, and it's nighttime now. Van Helsing, you have a lot to explain.

24:55Yes, I know. I impregnated this donkey. It was a concoction from an alchemist that I'd bought. It was mislabeled. One of the labels came off and got on another syringe. It's a tail as old as time. You've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times.

From 25:00

25:11I'm not talking about the donkey Van Helsing.

25:13Well, how dare you?

25:14Though that is quite sweet, and we should you know be extra careful around her. Maybe Ginger can pull the cart and the donkey can rest in the back.

25:22I think that's only fair.

25:23Sorry, Ginger. Van Helsing, how old are you?

25:28Age is simply a number, one I've, you know, not very good at. Let's say I've been around the block or two. You know what I'm saying, my boy?

25:37Yes, I actually know exactly what you're saying. Uh, you've been around my block. I think you've been around Naya's block. And how many other blocks have you been around?

25:47Well, let's just Well, I don't know. Do you want me to start at the beginning? Is that what you're getting at here?

25:53Yes. The real beginning.

25:56I have a suggestion before we start. Yes, what is it? Belmont's friend who's not even that cool. I think before we start any spiritual journey, we should partake in the magical mushroom.

26:07Oh, I don't know about that. The last time, last couple times Van Helsing did that, he flogged a woman with my whip. No, sorry, he flogged a young child with my whip, and then burned down a tent full of clowns.

26:19You don't have to tell me twice. And he's already on all fours.

26:26Okay, ging, play interference while we do this spirit quest.

26:30And then I'm picturing Ginge pulling out a harp of some kind and relaxing us into like one of those uh memory songs, like Alright, we'll start at the the beginning. At the very beginning. I was a young Van Helsing. The only Van Helsing I've lied before. Wow, these mushrooms are really bringing back my memory. Now, well let's just say some years ago, I was good. I was one of the only monster slayers around. And I say I'm good now, but that's a that's a complete lie and a farce. I'm not good. But I was good back in my day. It's vision quest time. He still looks the same, basically, maybe a little bit younger at this point.

26:30But actually fit Van Helsing, like destroying some monsters and pulling out a sword and then pulling out like his little artifice or gun and [expletive] and like blowing stuff up.

27:27It's like strangling a Gorgon and just like crazy, like insane physical 100 stuff.

27:33Yes, he's stealing a ball from a small Asian child.

27:37Now I told you this is my ball! Now get away from me, boy. I told you you can't join up with me. Mr. Helsing, please let me join you.

27:45You're a legend. Well, when you talk to me like that, I guess I I could use somebody to help carry around some tools and stuff, some of my weapons. But just stay out of the way. I would hate for anything to harm you. I would no way ever feel the same in my heart if something were to happen to you. Tall, square. Of course, Mr. Helsing. Teach me to fight and protect my friends and family. I'm not gonna gloat. That's not what a Van Helsing does. He doesn't gloat, he's not pompous. I will teach you what I know, and that's the best that I can do. Quick question, Van Helsing. Yes? Are you sure this is you? Absolutely.

27:45I promise you every detail, minus maybe like a couple, but most of this is all fairly true, I promise. Carry on, old man. Hey. Alright, that's probably accurate. Now, to continue the story, me and Tall Square would go on an adventure from time to time, killing monsters left and right, saving actual townsfolk. Watch out, Mr. Helsing. Don't you worry, Tall Square. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last.

28:59Oh, Tall Square, be careful! That monster's going to strike you down! I got it, Mr. Helsing. You taught me everything I know. No, Tall Square!

29:11And after the death of his young apprentice Tall Square, Van Helsing drifts into like a darkness for a little bit, and he just can't get over the fact that he lost somebody. And now it's been a couple years. He looks about the age that you see him now, and he gets an urgent message saying that there has been some dark magic, some kind of practitioner of ancient arts divulging in the woods near a small town off the coast. Alright. It's time you get your act back together. You are Van Helsing. You are known as the Monster Slayer. It's I have to get back out there and make my name. I shall kill whatever lurks inside these woods. And aveng Tall Square. That's me. I'm dead. Oh, I hear his voice.

29:11Even though it's been years now. It's ringing in the back of my head like how can I get rid of it? The only way I know is by avenging him, by killing some other random monster. Makes perfect sense. So now Van Helsing is entering into these dark, ancient woods filled with all kinds of magic. And he sees the and maybe it's just defenses. He doesn't quite know. But there is an old hermit kind of house nestled in the center of this ancient wood. And as he's approaching, he hears a voice.

From 30:00

30:49How dare you come out here? Hello? Who's there? Who do you think you are? Man, your voice sounds eerily similar to mine. Maybe that's why we've never put them together.

31:09Van Helsing, where is this place? It looks like you're in some kind of swamp witch's lair. I know ghost of tall square. No, it's it's me, Penmont. I'm I'm I'm in your vision quest with you. I can see what you see, and I Oh, the memories.

31:23They're all blurring together in my eye. Before me is an ancient druid woman. She is approximately five foot tall and has a scowl on her face. She's covered in recyclables, it looks like.

31:40And as you see her, the Van Helsing and the memory here is like a hallucination from uh Tall Square, which haunts him all the time. It's like, she's scary, Mr. Helsing! Save me. I wish I could, Tall Square.

31:55But this demon, it's too much. It's too much for me to bear. I can't even bear the memory of it.

32:02You enter my wood? How dare you?

32:07And that's the last I heard. This woman. And then the memory kind of starts phasing in and out of the woods. She did something to me at this point. She put a curse on me. She immediately scolded me for littering. Because yes, I was hungry along the way, and I left some trails, you know, garbage mostly, in a wood. It was really no big deal. Like eventually it's gonna decompose. Like, how bad could it be, you know? But she wasn't having it. And this this Greta, the druid, she cursed me. She gave me the one thing that I didn't want. And that was immortality, eternal life. And then I immediately thought, damn it, I'm never gonna get rid of this Asian kid in my head now. It's you and me, Mr. Helsing. Haha!

32:07Just like you're hearing now, he still haunts me to this day. I forgot his name, but it is in fact Tall Square. Not a joke on any other kind of Asian kid's name. It's completely original. That's not my name, but that's all he remembers. That is all I remember. I've been around for a long time, okay, boys? You, Belmont, and you, Belmont's new better friend than me. I've been around a long time. It's coming back to me now.

33:27Wait, I've of course am already lost with your storytelling, Van Helsing, but you're saying you used to be an actual successful, competent monster hunter. Correct. You had a little Asian boy companion who one day you accidentally let die.

33:42Tall Square.

33:43The face of danger. Yes. I don't think that's his name, is what he's saying.

33:46I'm pretty sure. No, it's not.

33:48He and then as you try to reclaim your dignity and your profession, you search out some dark witch and you come in the presence of a Druid witch? Sea witch? Sag hag?

34:04No, she was just a normal lady, but just a druid. You know, she just really cared about nature and stuff. And doesn't that sound familiar? Like, didn't we see a statue in Beaverlin or something like that? I do think you're right, and I do think that these mushrooms help improve memory. I'm gonna jot this down and share my notes with my alchemist friends.

34:27Fair enough. Okay, so and then she cursed you with eternal life because you littered in her forest.

34:34It's something to that effect. I'm sure I said something else, but now in this moment, I just can't see her talking to me in these visions, mostly because it was terrifying. Mr. Helsing also tried to kill her. He Oh yes, I forgot about that. I may have thrown a dagger at her face and then did a pop shot with my rifle. Then I, you know, may have started crying, being defeated and upset that Tall Square was dead, and I wish that I would be dead. And then she was like something to the effect of, Oh, you wish you were dead? Well, think again, [expletive], you're never gonna die. That's about right. See? Thank you, Tall Square.

From 35:00

35:11Well, do you hear this kid all the time, Van Hessing?

35:13Uh I don't know.

35:19It would be rather annoying to hear this small Asian child who you murdered by being inadequate, constantly talking in your ear.

35:29Thank you for understanding me, Naya, was it?

35:32Now, let's fast forward to me impregnating that donkey. I think that is the highlight of my life.

35:37No, that's not that doesn't explain it. So, okay, you have eternal life. That kind of explains maybe why you might know my mother and why you definitely know Naya's mother, even though we're decades apart, if not more.

35:51Right. Okay. So rewind, but fast forward from the druid. There I was, living my life immortal. So then I would do whatever immortal would do. I would get drunk every night and bang hussies, you know? And at one point, you know, I was like, I'm immortal, I'm immortal. And then people believed me, and then I would do like parlor games where I made a noose, and then I tied it to the rafters, and I would just swing from the rafters from my neck, and then people would throw coins at me, and then children would scream in horror, like that kind of stuff.

36:23I do something like that too.

36:24Ginge, you're in here too?

36:26Yeah.

36:28Sorry, I'll keep playing the heart. Thank you, Ginj. You're doing a fantastic job. Alright, so I started going around, you know, and then come to find out, I got with so many floozies, I figured at some point I would have to make a kid. But then, like nothing was coming. Nothing, shootin' blanks. Thank you, tall square. And then I remembered there was a second part of the curse. Sadly. Apparently, Greta, the druid, was so upset at me that she said I was a disgusting pig. This is verbatim. You disgusting pig, how dare you? You shall never have your own offspring. And I thought she was talking about the band. Like, why would I want to listen to offspring? You know, they're old. I don't care about that.

36:28They're as old as the day is long, you know? Naya, you know what I'm talking about. No, carry on. Alright, so, anyways, I can't have kids. And that was another burden on me. Like, I felt bad that the small Asian child died, Tall Square. And I thought, I need to bring my own blood into this world, and they will be better monster slayers than me.

37:44Yes, and that's maybe where we have some more questions, Fenhausing. Um, it seems like you did succeed in having children.

37:54Yes, at some point, you know. Alright, so remember. Try to remember. Alright, I'm gonna try to remember. Now, after the Druid, we're gonna rewind. I was upset, hanging from the rafters, can't die. Uh at some point I would throw myself in front of wagons and try to get insurance scams, but come to find out insurance wasn't really a thing yet, so people would just run me over with their wagons and then ride off. It's terrible. That's where I got the idea for Letoot's tents. Now, Letout's tents. Gary Latout was a miraculous man, and he had a tent shop.

38:33Focus saying, How did you come to have offspring? That's what we need to know, both me and Naya. It's very important.

38:40Yes, it is. Please stop distracting us with your Letout's tents wagon that will forever haunt me. Just carry on with your story. Alright, fine. Uh, ging hit the harp. Ging hits the harp, and then we meld into Van Helsing inside of a kind of laboratory, if you will, and there is an older-looking alchemist working on concoctions. Now, boys, in this memory, I had tried for some time to get this curse lifted. I tried Epsom salts, I tried natural oils, I tried the keto diet, nothing was working.

39:23Uh, yes, yes, yes. So you found science.

39:28Kind of. He said he did science, but really he studied at the University of Phoenix. So, like, how good is that? You know? But he had an award-winning smile, I'll give him that.

39:40Hey, it's handsome. Welcome to the laboratory. What can I do for ya?

39:44Now, let's say. Random question, Mr. Artificer Alchemist. Let's say that I was cursed by some ancient druid and I can't have children. What can I do? Possibly, maybe, that, you know, ladies will find me appealing and want to have my babies.

From 40:00

40:04Hmm, I can think of a few things that will make you appealing, but I'm not quite sure. You're asking for a new type of alchemy, my friend. I, uh I usually dabble in gold fingers. Gold fists, if you know what I mean. A wink. And uh, you know, that kind of thing. Turning just, you know, metals into different precious metals or changing the form of substances. I've never restored power to the body. That is a whole nother level of magic that I could be willing to explore for the right price.

40:35Now, you say the right price. I believe I'm willing to let you dabble on my private bits. How much are we looking at here?

40:44Ill gross, that's not what I'm trying to do. I need a human test subject for experiments like yours and many others. So if you agree to let me uh make some untested modifications, I might be able to bring back that special life-bearing gift.

41:01You're telling me you want to turn me into a witcher.

41:05What's that? I don't know.

41:06Is that is that it's like a monster hunter, but they have fantastical powers. If it's trademarked, we'll call it something else like a a [expletive] or a licher or a pitcher.

41:16That sounds exciting. I was just gonna make your nipples twice as big and a couple other weird little modifications, but we'll get there, I'm sure.

41:22That sounds fantastic as well. I've always been insecure about the size of my areolas.

41:29So this doctor restored your reproductive rights?

41:34Absolutely not, my boy. He did terrible things to me. Yeah, that sounds about right. What kind of terrible things did he do to you? Well, let's just say that this is the point in time where I was given a gift.

41:50Lalalala. Van Helsing, I have a new excellent test for you.

41:55Alright, what are we looking at here?

41:58Ooh, it's well, I don't want to spoil it for you, but it is something that I can give you and you can give the world.

42:04That sounds fantastic. That's way better than the last one where you gave me webbed toes. Yes, that didn't go quite as planned, but now you're an excellent swimmer. You're welcome. I hate swimming.

42:17Well, that's because you float. You put on a lot of weight here in my lab, probably also from my other experiments, but that said, this one this will be a doozy.

42:25You injected me with butter! Of course I was gonna gain weight.

42:30Pure butter you injected me with.

42:32Ah, but that's the thing. It wasn't butter. You wouldn't believe it's not butter, in fact.

42:38Fair enough, fair enough. Now what is this this precious item that you wish to bestow on me that I can give the planet? Well, it's called the present.

42:49Ooh. Sounds nice. You give a little piece of you to somebody else, and before you know it, everybody shares the same thing. And if we're all the same and not different, there can be no inequality in the world. It's it's perfect. We can all be equals of each other.

43:05Or dead. Oh. So you want to give me communism.

43:09I think that the Soviets try that.

43:11No, this one is something a little more personable. Alright, I'm willing to give it a shot if it means I can, you know, pop out a couple of kids. Great.

43:19And I immediately inject something into his ass. You haven't been wearing pants this whole time. This is where you actually got your like affinity for not wearing pants because you were always getting like shots in your ass. So you just kind of stopped wearing pants.

43:30Like, I've been going to this alchemist for years, and I just started stopped giving up. Like, just walk in with no pants, like, alright, Doctor, I'm here, [expletive] shoot me up. Well, is it working? I don't know yet. What am I supposed to feel? I don't feel like giving anybody anything special.

43:46Ah, well, maybe it needs some time, or maybe you need to incubate, if you know what I'm saying.

43:53Like take a nap?

43:55No, like impregnate something. Preferably human.

43:58You're telling me I'm cured and I can go ahead and try my offspring.

44:03Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. Go uh share your seed.

44:11You don't have to tell me twice, and then I immediately runs out the door.

44:15So Van Hessing, I'm confused. It sounds like he did give the gift of of life.

44:19No, he didn't. He gave me, you know, kind of the opposite effect, where women want nothing to do with me, because if they touch me in any way down there, they die, a slow and painful death. It's it's the gift. He called it the present. It was the gift that he gave me. Oh, that is how you got the gift. Yes. Sad, sad day. It was a lot harder to bang an entire brothel at this point in time, because by the time I got to the end, they were already talking. You know ladies, right, ginj. See, Naya, this will make you feel a lot better. The gift would have killed your mother anyway, then.

44:55It wasn't the wagon at all. She would have died no matter what if she got the gift.

44:58Honestly, I would have preferred her die slowly in her bed than being ran over by a Latoots tent wagon.

From 45:00

45:05Oh, trust me, that's the best thing that could have happened to her, Naya. I once saw a hoppy after being ravaged by this disease, and she did not look pretty. I mean, Van Helsing almost cut her open and wore her like a tantan. It was terrible.

45:18It's true, Naya. You don't want to die from the gift. And I've been around long enough that at least one third of the population of women have died from the gift. Maybe that's me being generous, I don't know. My friend, how did the test go? Alright, Doctor. There's something I need to tell you. I still can't have babies. I don't think, but either way, the women die before they can even try to produce a baby for me. You lied to me.

45:46Oh, I was afraid that would happen. No, I never thought you would have children. I didn't say that. I just said give them your seed, and they will either all become one, like a hive mind, or you'll kill people. And it seems like the latter happened. And um, are you happy with these results? Because I'm not. I think we can tweak it with a few more tests now, if you'll come with me.

46:05No, I don't think I will. I'm going to pass. Thank you, Doctor.

46:10But Van Helsing, you're unstable. I've injected so much. I mean, all these different experiments. Without without more of my alchemy, you may just completely deteriorate over time.

46:18Yeah, I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of guy. You know, like I don't need to wean off or anything like that. It's just it's now or never, you know. Like like the famous bod said, John Bon Jovi. It's my life. It's now or never. I ain't gonna wait forever, whatever.

46:34So you don't care about the weight gain or your sudden sexism or the like kind of man boobies you've developed, or your affinity for cows and leather. None of that?

46:44Apparently I'm suffering from abrupt hearing loss from this shot you gave me, Doctor, but yeah, no, I saw your lips moving, and I don't give two [expletive].

46:52So I'm leaving. Good day.

46:55Dun dun dun. Now, boys Boys. This was a dark, dark time for me. And what we're gonna see next might be the brightness that puts a good light on me. Like I'm sorry that Tall Square died, you know, and I'm sorry that I killed so many women with my transmitted disease, the gift.

47:19But things are looking up, I promise you. Ginge, hit that sweetheart music.

47:24Gosh, I I don't know, Naya. Maybe we should stop here. I I don't know if it's worth going any deeper into his history. We have our answers.

47:33Do we really have the answers? I would like to know more. Like how did you meet my mother? Well, how did you ever come across Bingo? These are the things I want to know.

47:43That and more on the next episode of Daft Monks. Perfect. There's more to tell, folks. Van Helsing has a very long backstory that we've had to surgically create to try to make the story make sense, and we don't want to keep you another hour, so we will continue this story next week.

48:02And trust me, when I say this, it will all make sense. Eventually.

48:09Thank you for listening. As always, let me just rapid fire all of our usual announcements. We are on any of your podcast channels, and if you are listening to us, we strongly encourage you to leave us a review, or if you're on Spotify, answer a poll or answer the question and tell us what you want to see more of on the show. Share an episode on social media with your friends and family. That's one of the best ways to help our show grow, and one of the kindest ways to say thank you.

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48:51I'm just gonna throw this out there. You know what? If you donate some [expletive] money, you get to name the donkey. How about that? Like that's a that's a big perk because I am really attached to this pregnant donkey, and you'll get to name it. So there you go. You're welcome. Donate some [expletive] dollars, name the donkey.

49:10All right. Thank you so much for listening. As always, we will, as we've been saying, we will be at the Phoenix Fan Fusion event June 2nd, 3rd, and 4th in Phoenix, Arizona. If you happen to be in town, come say hi, tell us you listen, we'll give you some free stuff. Thanks for listening and have a great week.

49:27Good night.